“There is only one way to get the best of an argument – and that is to avoid it.”
This is just one of the insightful and perhaps controversial things Dale Carnegie teaches us in his seemingly timeless book. Originally published in 1936, the book’s advice has not gone stale and many of Carnegie’s comments have you wryly shaking your head, realising the simple truth behind them. Funnily enough, when I’ve spoken to friends and family about some of the techniques in this book, many have reacted with agreement: ‘oh yes I do that too, I have just learned over the years that it works well’. Well, no longer need you learn from bitter experience! The first day I tried out tactics from this book I genuinely had a better day, got more out of the interactions with other people, and actually felt a lift in my mood. Here’s a little summary to see if I can tempt you into giving it a read…
The book covers four themes: how to handle other people, how to make people like you, how to persuade people to your way of thinking, and how to be an effective leader. I’ll pick out some highlights.
How to Handle Other People
“Arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him.”
Carnegie teaches a few basic principles: do not criticise or complain about others but, instead, express appreciation. Ultimately, you can try to force others to obey you, but “A man convinced against his will, Is of the same opinion still” and the best way to win someone to your course of action is to make them want to do it. Unless they want to do it, he argues, they will probably not do it well or, sometimes, at all, and they will almost certainly not do it with good grace. In business we find this to be true all the time, with statistics citing up to 25% productivity improvement in employees who feel engaged with their work. It’s also the reason a company mission and vision is so important – you want employees to want to achieve your goal as much as you do, and having a motivating vision is a great way to do this.
How to Make People Like You
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
According to Carnegie, people are fundamentally egocentric and so the easiest way to captivate their attention is to cater to that. Be interested in others and listen to them talk about themselves – encourage it! – then talk in terms of that person’s own interests when selling your point. Carnegie believes that small actions like smiling at people, and saying their names when you speak to them can be triggers which focus the other person’s attention and make them feel good. The book teaches that what drives all human behaviour is a desire to feel important and, if you can sincerely offer someone that, they will inevitably like you. The key though is to be genuine – show sincere appreciation for somebody’s talents, knowledge or traits.
How to Persuade People to Your Way of Thinking
“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”
Perhaps controversially, Cargenie’s advice is never to get into arguments with others because it naturally creates bad feeling and will have an inevitably bad conclusion as you can see from the above quote. Instead, he says you should let the other person do most of the talking and show respect for their opinion, rather than trying to get your point across. If there is an area where you could be or are wrong, admit it with good humour. You should genuinely try and see the discussion from the other person’s point of view, sympathetically aligning with their viewpoint. When you do work towards a solution, you want to make the person feel it was their idea, as that will greatly increase the successful uptake of the idea! Lots of practical advice in the book on how you actually go about implementing this advice.
How to be an Effective Leader
“Once I did bad and that I heard ever. Twice I did good, but that I heard never.”
Praise and appreciation are the foundations of being a good leader. Additionally, humility is a quality Carnegie encourages, saying you should always point out your own mistakes and weaknesses when you’re criticising somebody else. It’s not so much that you should criticise – as a leader it’s quite important to be able to help those in your care advance by improving themselves (which usually happens with constructive criticism) – but more about the way you present your criticism. Carnegie mentions the importance of letting the person save face – asking questions that probe and can help the person reach a conclusion on their own rather than being told, can be an effective way to criticise.
Probably the biggest thing I’ve taken away from the book is the simplest; smile! Sometimes you can get so caught up in your own head that you forget to do that, but it really does make others, and yourself, feel happier and more engaged. Have you read the book? What did you think? Are there tactics in it that you use in life or work?
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